Coaching the Athlete in Front of You- Not the One You Used to Be.

We’ve all heard it before — and maybe even said it ourselves:

“Athletes used to be tougher.”“When I played, we didn’t need all this recovery or mindset work.”“Kids these days are soft.”

At first, it may feel motivating — a way to connect or push athletes to work harder. But in reality, these words often do more harm than good. When we compare their experience to ours, we stop tuning in to the athlete in front of us. We invalidate their reality and unintentionally add pressure, stress, and anxiety.

The Game Has Changed — So Has the Load

Sports today are fundamentally different from when many of us were growing up. The mental and physical demands are higher. Athletes face nonstop performance expectations; from social media, scholarships, year-round competition, and hyper-organized leagues.

This doesn’t make them “softer.” It makes their environment heavier, and many youth athletes are navigating pressures they weren’t equipped for. Pushing them to “train harder” or “perform better” simply because that’s how we were taught can lead to burnout, anxiety, and early dropout.

In my professional career, I’ve spoken with more athletes recently than ever before who admit they don’t actually enjoy their sport. I’ve seen a rise in anxiety, emotional exhaustion, and even physical pain, all consequences of a system that prioritizes comparison and performance over understanding and support.

Why Language Matters

The words we choose shape how athletes think about themselves, their capabilities, and their self-worth. When we say:

“You should be tougher.”“We didn’t need that when I played.”

…what they often hear is:

“Your feelings aren’t valid.”“You’re not enough.”“Something is wrong with you.”

Many young athletes don’t need tougher coaching.... they need connection, curiosity, and guidance that meets them where they are. They need someone who sees the whole person, not just the uniform.

After more than 20 years in sports performance, I’ve worked with athletes at every level — from youth leagues to professional teams. Through Take Action Performance, I focus on the athlete as a whole: mind, body, and nervous system.

Over the years, I’ve noticed a shift in youth sports culture. More athletes are walking away before they even reach their potential — not because they lack talent, but because the joy of the game has been overshadowed by comparison, perfectionism, and internalized pressure.

How We Can Do Better

• Ask more questions. Learn how athletes feel, think, and learn.

• See them as whole people. They have lives, school, relationships, and emotions outside of sport.

• Listen before advising. Sometimes the athlete doesn’t need solutions — they need to be heard.

• Pay attention to internal language. If they are already self-critical, “tough love” can make it worse.

• Separate your story from theirs. Reflect on how your experience shapes your expectations.

Coaching isn’t about making athletes tougher. It’s about creating an environment that allows them to grow, feel safe, and rediscover the joy of sport.

If we want athletes to thrive, we need to stop projecting our past onto their present. We need to meet the athlete in front of us — not the one we used to be.

The goal isn’t to create “tougher” athletes — it’s to create healthier ones. Athletes who feel seen, supported, and safe to perform at their best because they’re allowed to be fully human.

Let’s retire the “when I played” mindset and start building environments where athletes can love the game again. This opens up for more curiosity and drive to improve instead of shut down.

If you have questions or want to learn how to coach/parent with better mindset or you are an athlete who is looking for a coach who sees the whole you....please reach out. I'm here to help.